


Cowardice of the Heart

by unxpctedlygreat (Yurika_Schiffer)



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:41:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24597685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yurika_Schiffer/pseuds/unxpctedlygreat
Summary: Felix has always been a coward, when it comes to his own feelings.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	Cowardice of the Heart

**Author's Note:**

> A result of my daily word goal gone longer than expected, I hope you'll enjoy the read!

And it's something, Felix thinks, it truly is something that he knows, as soon as Dimitri inhales when he turns around, that Dimitri is about to topple everything they've so carefully rebuilt between them with his next words.

It's taken an awfully long time for them to get where they are today, the freshly crowned king and his sworn duke, and Felix cherishes what they have now. He longs, deep inside, for more; knows that this is as best as he can ever get. Accepts it, even. He's made peace with the limits of what he can wish for a long time ago, now.

"Felix, I—"

"Don't."

Felix has always been a coward, when it comes to his own feelings, ever since Duscur. Grew more cowardly even, after the rebellion crushed his last remnants of hope.

He doesn't think he can survive more breaks of his heart. So he does as he's done for years now. He runs.

* * *

Dimitri never tries to say again what he meant to say that night. They go on with their lives in Fhirdiad as they have before.

Felix feels rotten inside out.

He knows Dimitri wants to have this talk, to finally say his piece. He also knows Dimitri respects too much what they have to push the matter.

It all lies in Felix's hands.

 _Communication is the key_ , they all told him after they’d won the war.

_Talk to him. Make compromises. Meet him halfway._

It’s the key to any relationship, but particularly important for a king and his advisor.

And yet again Felix struggles with it. He’s bad at all of this. He’s never been taught— has never cared to learn— how to be Duke Fraldarius, after Glenn’s death. Instead, he’s pushed his grief and everything else aside to focus on anger and training. He doesn’t know how to _talk_ , how to be diplomatic. He’s got a sharp tongue tainted in venom that he doesn’t know how to hold.

 _Meet him halfway_.

He knows Dimitri constantly holds out metaphoric olive branches to him. It’s in the way he initiates conversation when he notices Felix getting frustrated over all the paperwork they have to do. In the way he keeps silent when they’re having lunch or dinner together, or when he offers to spar Felix on the training grounds. They’re all occasions he gives Felix to _speak_. To pick up the conversation where he’s abruptly left it.

Dimitri knows him, too well, and Felix hates himself for being so weak.

* * *

Too much time has passed since that night, when he finally gathers any courage to bring it up.

“What I said that night,” he starts, and stops. Dimitri merely glances at him from the corner of his eye as he sips his tea. Felix knows that Dimitri knows what night he’s referring to. “I shouldn’t have said it.”

It makes Dimitri frown and he immediately moves to put down his cup, a protest on the tip of his tongue. Felix doesn’t give him the time.

“I shouldn’t have said it,” he repeats, quickly. “But I meant it.”

Dimitri pauses then. The cup is left to cool on the table between them.

Felix casts his eyes down, unable to look at him. Dimitri remains quiet for the moment, likely picking out his words carefully.

“I cannot say I understand why you think you shouldn’t have said it.” Felix snorts and Dimitri hums reproachfully before going on, “No, really Felix. I would like to believe we are close enough for you to be able to share your thoughts and feelings with me. Even if, no, especially if they concern me so directly.”

Because this is the ugly truth of it all.

From the beginning of this terrible affair, this situation Felix has put himself into, it’s entirely his own fault. Dimitri’s words that remained unsaid from that night, he’d feared what they might be. Because if everything they have now were to crash down, it would have been on him and him only.

It had been the night of some ball they’d organized, to try and tame some of the still-resilient nobles of the kingdom. They both hate these overly formal events and they never really have a choice but to partake in them anyway, so they’d shared a few drinks. Felix maybe a little more than he should have, though nowhere as many as he knows he can withstand. But it had been enough to loosen his treacherous tongue.

They’d been on the balcony, half-shivering from the cold of the night and Felix has slipped. Years of hiding the truths of his heart, all undone by the warmth of alcohol and the glow of the winter stars.

“ _I’ve always loved you, you know._ ”

As soon as the words had come out, he’d known his mistake and tried to leave to hide himself again. And Dimitri had tried to stop him, but Felix has always been a coward when it comes to his own feelings, and he had gone.

“Felix.”

He nearly jumps out of his skin when Dimitri puts a hand on his knee and he looks up to see that blue eye locked onto his face. Dimitri’s face is serious and Felix can’t take it anymore already. He looks down again, closes his eyes.

“Felix, if you truly meant your words…” Dimitri trails off.

He’s giving Felix an out, he realizes. Despite everything, in spite of all he probably wants to say and know, he’s giving Felix another chance to run away.

Felix can’t tell if he’s grateful for it or if he despises himself that Dimitri feels the need to give it to him.

He could back out right now. Could call it all off, stand up and leave the room. He knows Dimitri would go back to pretending nothing has happened the next day, if he does. Dimitri has always been too kind for his own good.

Felix is tired of running away. He’s tired of hiding. Tired of lying.

He doesn’t know what Dimitri meant to say that night, what he will say tonight. But he’s tired of running, even if it might just lead to his heart breaking some more.

“I did,” he replies in a breath.

Dimitri grabs his hands— both of them, one in each of his own— and pulls them close to his chest. Felix lets him. He feels Dimitri leaning in closer and forces his eyes to stay closed. His breath is warm against Felix’s skin and Felix has to resist a shiver.

“I love you, as well,” Dimitri says. Felix’s heart stops and his body freezes and he’s not sure if he’s breathing at all anymore. Dimitri continues, unaware or uncaring of Felix’s turmoil. “I’ve only realized it once it was too late, back at the Academy. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I’d never realized how true it was until you pushed me away.”

Felix gasps— he really hadn’t been breathing anymore— and his head snaps up. He knows his eyes are wide open, a mix of panic and fear written all over his face. Dimitri’s face is close, closer than he’d expected, too.

One of Dimitri’s hand lets go of his but he can only curl his fingers into the fabric of Dimitri’s tunic. Dimitri’s hand finds his cheek, his thumb caressing Felix’s skin ever so gently.

“Felix, if you’ll have me…” Dimitri breathes, just a few centimeters away from Felix’s lips. This time, Felix doesn’t fight the shiver that runs across his body.

He closes his eyes and tilts his head, so slightly that he’s afraid Dimitri won’t notice. But Dimitri does and he closes the distance between them, pressing his lips against Felix’s. Felix can’t tell if his heart has stopped or it’s beating too fast.

It’s not a good kiss, or that much of a kiss at all, for that matter. Just a meaningful touch of their lips, warm and scary but so relieving at the same time. He’s never really been kissed before, has never been interested in all of that, not when his heart already belonged to one boy, one man.

When Dimitri pulls away, Felix keeps his eyes closed. He doesn’t dare open them, afraid the night might vanish and take with it his roaring heart.

Dimitri’s hand is still on his burning cheek, still soft and gentle. It’s grounding, when Felix feels like his body is floating and he isn’t touching the ground anymore. Grounding, as a reminder that this isn’t just one of his wistful dreams.

Felix has always been a coward, when it comes to his own feelings. But he’s done running away now, he thinks.


End file.
